I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
