are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
