Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
