I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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