hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
