dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
