Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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