I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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