So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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