Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
