I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
