"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
