period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
false alarm, still single
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize