moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
