you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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