I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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