I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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