I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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