i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
