i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
