Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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