It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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