I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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