So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
