I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
