Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize