Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
