Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
