i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
