Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
