dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
