it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
