Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
