So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
