Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
