Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
