She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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