I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
