I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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