I faked an abortion last night.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
