Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
