i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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