I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
