I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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