you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
