I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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