Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
