he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
