I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
