Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
