The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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