i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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