Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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