yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
