she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize