cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
