I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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