Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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