oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
