ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
