My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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