When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
