I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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