So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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