1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
