I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Randomize
