I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
