your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
